The Hymn of the Education Professoriat

From the Halls of WakaWaka
To the Shores of Idiocy
We will strive to make all teachers
At least as dumb as we.
We'll ensure each fad is packaged right
To hide the pure hooey.
That's the way we play our clever con
At the university.

Citizens of this Great Nation often wonder:

How come new teachers have no idea how to teach?
 
Why do so many public school classrooms resemble therapeutic day care programs with kids roaming around and doing little that amounts to learning?

How come, despite billions of dollars, public schools turn out students who can barely comprehend a serious text, solve math problems fluently, or identify four features of a democratic-republican political system?

Perhaps it has something to do with the implicit rules that ed perfessers pass on to ed students.

“Make it up as you go along. It’s not about students working hard and mastering knowledge systems.  It's about fun, feelings, and freedom from the oppression of rigorous instruction.”

And THIS might be because ed perfessers themselves have no idea what serious instruction aiming at mastery and high level knowledge even looks like. For many Perfessers of Elementary Ed, ed schools offer a safe haven from the consequences of ignorance, arrogance, and moral irresponsibility, under the protection of tenure and academic freedom.

Let us follow well-meaning and bright ed students as they progress through their curriculum. Their path is marked by the authentic, holistic, thought-provoking, and inspiring projects required of them as part of the ed school infantilization process---the function of which is to ensure that they can’t think for themselves and therefore are continually dependent on “professional development” workshops and consultations provided by the very ed schools that turned them into morons.

Here we see a mobile that depicts all the good things teachers will do for children. Oddly, teaching children is not one of these things.  Did you catch the pink heart with the emphatic statement, "There would be no organized learning!"?  This is about the functional equivalent of the sign over the gate to Auschwitz--"Work makes you free."  What deranged self-important hack perfesser teaches that to ed students?  What kind of ed school allows it, or has no idea of it?  [The common ed school, that's what sort.]

 

Here is an ed student’s view of an ideal classroom.  I’m not sure what the swim suit model is doing there. Maybe the idea is that if the boys learn their math facts they will get hot dates.  Notice the math problem set.  You think kids will be making stipulation errors anytime soon?  You think ed students ever learn anything about selecting examples? 

Here’s another model of a classroom. Lots of “fun” activities. I don’t see any math, reading, history, or science “places” and “centers,” do you?   But why teach these things when kids are little, inquisitive, and sharp as tacks?  Wait until they are bored stiff with school, hostile, and alienated.  Yeah, thats' the idea.

 

This next poster displays guidelines for effective classrooms--no doubt based on an extensive review of serious research.   Odd.  There's nothing on “sound instruction,” “practice,” “mastery,” or “achievement.” Notice the clever use of a hand to depict “hands on.”

Here’s another one that says how teachers help kids “grow” into successful professionals. The stick-figure-on-paper-plate portrayal of development across grade levels is most impressive.  In my opinion, the ed student should get extra points for "hanger management."  [Ha Ha.  Clever pun.  Stupid, but clever.]

The next one speaks for itself: what effective teachers do, believe, and know. Instruction does not happen to be one of them. I’m not sure what the saw sharpening is about. Maybe the ed perfesser is working on a new fad.  "Yup, if a kid can't read, teach him to sharpen a saw."

 

Ah!  At last a poster that gets to the core of it! A student who memorizes all these principles will know EXACTLY how to teach.

 

And ANOTHER (!) that tells how to ensure high achievement.  The surprises just never stop!  Number 5 says "Comfort in classrooms."  An example might be kids sitting around in their bath robes, smoking cigars.

Another model classroom. Note the “number pit.” Maybe it’s for kids who’ve misbehaved. “Okay, Roscoe, into the number pit!”

 

This one (from a children's lit class) provides a wealth of information. I’ve been wondering if Mr. Chubbles is eating his fruit.   He's been so backed up lately.  Mr. Chubbles appears to be a pig with wheels.  This “product” must have taken all night to make.  Why are adults reading a book about an impacted pig?   Well, they say that you need to know the subject matter before you can teach it.

 

Aren’t you happy to know where your tax dollars are going?

Do you wonder how much ed perfessers get paid for having ed students do these projects?   Think of the hours and the brain work the perfessers spend preparing!!

Do you stay up half the night trying to figure out a “rubric” for grading these projects?

 
Poster Rubric.

1.  Addresses comprehensively all major features of classroom organization.

2.  Provides clear definitions of terms.

3.  Presentation is a logical progression of ideas.

Is there a message in the fact that ed students leave these posters dangling on the walls or scrunched up on the floor?  Are they embarrased?  Have they sold their self-respect on the cheap?

Do you think ed students should demand their money back?

How do you think the tale of Mr. Chubbles turns out?